I’ve changed over the past few years. I guess it happens, and I’m sure my friends from college can tell the difference more easily than anyone else, considering they haven’t seen me on a regular basis since then. The more transient times of those days have ended, and your life slows a little. I’ve made some conscious decisions on how I would like to be different. One of those was being more observant and talking less. In college, well before that, and even a bit after college, I always voiced an opinion. I decided to change that, and I did. The realization came to a point a couple months ago when an instructor asked why I wasn’t participating in the class.
Another conscious decision I made was to be more of an asshole. Previous to this point in time, I (for the most part) had always been an extremely nice person. But my generosity had been taken advantage, and my kindness waned. It was hurtful to be trampled over frequently. So I decided, as I declared to a close friend, that I was going to be more of an asshole, so that I would not be so used.
It worked, but too well. Now I am too much of an asshole, and I have certainly been annoying some people and friends, especially on first impressions. Do I wish I had not chosen the path to become an asshole? Yes, I do. I wish I would have analyzed more critically they ways which I could have adjusted my attitude to accomplish the same objective. Now I have absorbed many of the bad side-effects of being an asshole, which I really don’t like. Moreover, it’s much better to be the nice guy, if for no other reason that it is more difficult to become a genuinely nice guy from being an asshole than the other way around.
Since I’ve had success in the past of setting a mental goal of changing my attitude or the way I act in some way, I’m going to do it again. My new goal is this: I am not going to talk badly about people, with a possible exception. I’m just not. I’ll keep my thoughts to myself and remind myself to accept that person as is. It doesn’t mean I want to spend time with that person or be that person’s friend. I will accept that person without change. No more talking about who did what or how I dislike so and so. I’ll keep it to myself and will not voice it publicly.
The possible exception you ask? When asking for advice from close friends and disclosure is needed, which limits it to less than a handful of people. Hopefully this will help me start on the right path of recovery to being the nice guy again. I’ll just be a nice guy with some experience under his belt on how not to be walked over. So if you hear me talking badly about someone, tell me to mind what I’m saying. I will sincerely appreciate the help.
why don’t you just be yourself?
Happy mediums, my friend. Ones which I cannot seem to locate. 180s searching for greener pastures are not often prudent.
But it is very, very difficult to stop being an asshole among crowds that assume you to play that role. Good luck.